A place to call me own

I really enjoy the fact that this website, for me, creates a place that i can write whatever i want, and not have anyone i know find it. Unlike sites such as facebook and myspace, i feel like i have privacy here. I'm not exactly writing my life story, but it makes me feel comfortable here all the same.

I read back my first blog, and was surprised to find that, although circumstances have changed, i generally and quite frequently get the same feelings of loneliness. Recently i have found that i do not want to be around my friends. I find their company tedious and become annoyed very easily with them for no reason. In defense i have not had the best time this summer, with the guy i was seeing cutting me off, my university almost failing me due to false information and lack of information, and my bag being stolen in Barcelona, resulting in nearly all important things to me being stolen. as a result of the constant knock downs, my self confidence has been shattered. This irritates me because i am usually so optimistic about life, rolling with the punches and fighting back. But right now i cannot find the strength to do so anymore.

I want to get my life on track and actually find an aspiration and try and achieve it. My problem is commitment. I cannot seem to stick to what i say when it comes to improving myself. I Drink excessively, i smoke, i take drugs and i don't exercise, not exactly a success story in the making. When i mentioned on my facebook that i was determined to learn to ride a bike a friend said 'i'll believe it when i see it' which only really confirms my concerns of my lack of commitment, knowing that other people think the same is not a nice feeling, especially those closest to you. However, it's not surprising when you do put effort into something and it backfires in your face. For example, with my university, i tried very hard all year, maybe not as hard as i could of, but i stayed on top of work, nothing was ever late, and 70% of the time did very well. However i got ill at the end of the year and had to miss an exam as a result. Later, when i received my results it appeared that i had failed due to a coursework grade missing from the results. It felt like everything i had built up for myself over the past year had shattered around me. University was a massive risk for me, and for it to blow up in my face like that was a terrible feeling. Lucky for me, i was very persistent and had the mistake altered and thus (rightly so) passed.

I have no decided to clean up my life, bit by bit. I am going to get fit, i want to cut back on smoking and drinking and i want to be able to create some real aspirations that i can work towards. I want to look back at my second year of university with pride and be able to see my accomplishments in front of me. It's going to take some hard work and i know that, but i am sick and tired of being average, i can be so much more, i just need to believe it. There are so many people in this world who have built something from nothing (richard branson, jorge lorenzo etc) household names. I don't want to be known like these men, but i would love to look back at my own life and think 'wow, look what i achieved'. i am the first (and the last) in my family to go university, and i want to make it worth while.

PMA- Positive Mental Attitude