life sometimes falls to shit. but you get back up, dust yourself off and move forward. then it'll happen again, without fail. but once again, you get back up again and dust yourself off and move forward, it may be a bit more difficult this time but you do it. but what the hell are you supposed to do when you're being pushed back down to the floor when you've hardly got your balance back?
I don't know if it's because negatives tend to out-weigh positives, but these past few months have been total wank. i haven't had any time to recover from anything before the next blow, and i'm starting to feel myself going mad. there's signs of insomnia coming back and the only time i've been truly happy in a long time is when i've been on drugs- bit of a contradiction there really.
after the summer i thought to myself that the only way things can get better is to hit rock bottom first. i thought this happened at the end of september when a very close family friend passed away. it effected me more than i could ever of thought possible, but i tried to use his example of his positivity in the past few years of his life to help me think of the brighter side of life, easier said than done really. (R.I.P Russell, i hope you enjoyed the bitch fight at the end of the day hahahaha)
it makes me so mad that i mope around sometimes feeling sorry for myself when things could be so much worse- i have great friends, i'm at university getting a degree, a roof over my head, food in my belly. but sometimes that isn't enough, as a result of a certain individual i don't trust anyone, i think the worst of peoples intentions, i'm paranoid and i'm lonely.
something very small (in the grand scheme of things) happened this morning putting me instantly in a bad mood and taking over my day- a day i don't have time to waste, this as a result has stressed me out once more and i can't concentrate to do anything, my mind is running away with me.
i know in a couple of days i'll be grinning again and be wondering why i was so pissed off and concerned in the first place, but how long till the next blow after that? maybe if i have no expectations i'll never be disappointed.
so, a nice upbeat blog there lol. i had to get it out though, organise my thoughts a bit. guess i'll be looking for that next step forward
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Nice guys will always finish last
So what's the point in trying to be a good person? i have been fucked around one too many times recently. okay so maybe some things i may have over-reacted about, but when things pile on you all at once it just turns into one massive piss take.
What annoys me so much is when your efforts to be the best person you can be go unnoticed. when you put your neck on the line for someone, when you change your plans for someone, when you trust someone, when you go totally out of your way for someone just to make them happy. what do you get out of that? the personal satisfaction knowing you did something good? if you believe that, you're lieing. a simple 'thank you' or an understanding friend when after all your efforts you are unable to do what you said, just to let you know that your efforts haven't gone unappreciated or unnoticed. to be able to share your problems with friends no matter how silly they may be, and have them take you seriously. it's the small things like this that say 'thank you'.
But what do you do when this isn't enough? when your 'friends' can't see what you have sacrificed to help them or to please them. do you get angry? do you confront them? No. You can't. you can't do this because then you instantly become the bad guy. you'll be seen as unappreciative or a bitch. so you just have to get over it. if you get mad every time someone doesn't respond to an action of yours in the desired way you wouldn't have any friends left. but sometimes you have to vent, you have to say how you feel or it builds up and up and up, until you start thinking and saying things you don't even mean, possibly to people who didn't upset you in the first place. which again leaves you being the bitch.
So what could you possibly do? by forgiving, venting or forgetting, you'll always end up the one being hurt. the one who needs help the most. the one who can't understand why they deserve to be so unhappy.
However, you can't not do good things, because it's not in your nature. you aim to please, and even if that means that once again you'll be the one who hurts, you do everything you can to please people, because you're the nice guy.
What annoys me so much is when your efforts to be the best person you can be go unnoticed. when you put your neck on the line for someone, when you change your plans for someone, when you trust someone, when you go totally out of your way for someone just to make them happy. what do you get out of that? the personal satisfaction knowing you did something good? if you believe that, you're lieing. a simple 'thank you' or an understanding friend when after all your efforts you are unable to do what you said, just to let you know that your efforts haven't gone unappreciated or unnoticed. to be able to share your problems with friends no matter how silly they may be, and have them take you seriously. it's the small things like this that say 'thank you'.
But what do you do when this isn't enough? when your 'friends' can't see what you have sacrificed to help them or to please them. do you get angry? do you confront them? No. You can't. you can't do this because then you instantly become the bad guy. you'll be seen as unappreciative or a bitch. so you just have to get over it. if you get mad every time someone doesn't respond to an action of yours in the desired way you wouldn't have any friends left. but sometimes you have to vent, you have to say how you feel or it builds up and up and up, until you start thinking and saying things you don't even mean, possibly to people who didn't upset you in the first place. which again leaves you being the bitch.
So what could you possibly do? by forgiving, venting or forgetting, you'll always end up the one being hurt. the one who needs help the most. the one who can't understand why they deserve to be so unhappy.
However, you can't not do good things, because it's not in your nature. you aim to please, and even if that means that once again you'll be the one who hurts, you do everything you can to please people, because you're the nice guy.
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Step by step
So, i'm going to write on here everything i want to achieve in the next year and why. I'm hoping that by writing on here why i want to do these things, it will maintain my enthusiasm to achieve it.
*First things first, get fit. I don't want to lose weight (if i did i wouldn't exist anymore. I just think that i may as well try and keep myself healthy in at least one way, a way to sort of counter-act the abuse i put my body through on a daily basis with the smoking and what not. Also, due to my low iron count, i should really start looking after my body. By the end of august i will touch my toes (big dreams huh? haha) but i have never been able to. And by the end of the year, be able to do circuits without the pain the next day
*Cut down on the smoking. 5 a day to start with. I know once i get back to uni this wont happen, so while i'm away i may as well try.
*Get a job in Leicester. For the obvious reasoning of needing the cash
*When i get back to uni, don't sit around on my ass all day every day. Get up at a decent hour, go to my lectures, get my homework done asap, go to work, go to the gym. Generally occupy my time rather than being a lazy slob. I'll feel so much better about myself at the end of every day if i do this. Maybe create a weekly plan, and stick to it.
Those were things to keep me physically and psychologically happy, but i also want to achieve something that people can see, i want to do something for me to make myself proud, anyone can do anything if they set their minds to it. and i really believe that, so i want to do things that prove this to myself:
*Learn to ride a motorbike. This is totally going to happen. I'll do whatever it takes, my motivation for this is the chance to be able to go to track days etc and race. I can't think of anything better than that to be able to achieve.
*Learn a language. Maybe not fluently, not yet anyway, but learn it just to have that skill. I've decided on spanish, as i sort of picked it up quite easily when i was there recently. And i really like how i love you sounds in it. Te amo. Sexy huh?
I'm going to come back to this blog entry in 6 months and see what i've actually done, and write a new entry saying what i have managed to achieve.
Peace
*First things first, get fit. I don't want to lose weight (if i did i wouldn't exist anymore. I just think that i may as well try and keep myself healthy in at least one way, a way to sort of counter-act the abuse i put my body through on a daily basis with the smoking and what not. Also, due to my low iron count, i should really start looking after my body. By the end of august i will touch my toes (big dreams huh? haha) but i have never been able to. And by the end of the year, be able to do circuits without the pain the next day
*Cut down on the smoking. 5 a day to start with. I know once i get back to uni this wont happen, so while i'm away i may as well try.
*Get a job in Leicester. For the obvious reasoning of needing the cash
*When i get back to uni, don't sit around on my ass all day every day. Get up at a decent hour, go to my lectures, get my homework done asap, go to work, go to the gym. Generally occupy my time rather than being a lazy slob. I'll feel so much better about myself at the end of every day if i do this. Maybe create a weekly plan, and stick to it.
Those were things to keep me physically and psychologically happy, but i also want to achieve something that people can see, i want to do something for me to make myself proud, anyone can do anything if they set their minds to it. and i really believe that, so i want to do things that prove this to myself:
*Learn to ride a motorbike. This is totally going to happen. I'll do whatever it takes, my motivation for this is the chance to be able to go to track days etc and race. I can't think of anything better than that to be able to achieve.
*Learn a language. Maybe not fluently, not yet anyway, but learn it just to have that skill. I've decided on spanish, as i sort of picked it up quite easily when i was there recently. And i really like how i love you sounds in it. Te amo. Sexy huh?
I'm going to come back to this blog entry in 6 months and see what i've actually done, and write a new entry saying what i have managed to achieve.
Peace
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
A place to call me own
I really enjoy the fact that this website, for me, creates a place that i can write whatever i want, and not have anyone i know find it. Unlike sites such as facebook and myspace, i feel like i have privacy here. I'm not exactly writing my life story, but it makes me feel comfortable here all the same.
I read back my first blog, and was surprised to find that, although circumstances have changed, i generally and quite frequently get the same feelings of loneliness. Recently i have found that i do not want to be around my friends. I find their company tedious and become annoyed very easily with them for no reason. In defense i have not had the best time this summer, with the guy i was seeing cutting me off, my university almost failing me due to false information and lack of information, and my bag being stolen in Barcelona, resulting in nearly all important things to me being stolen. as a result of the constant knock downs, my self confidence has been shattered. This irritates me because i am usually so optimistic about life, rolling with the punches and fighting back. But right now i cannot find the strength to do so anymore.
I want to get my life on track and actually find an aspiration and try and achieve it. My problem is commitment. I cannot seem to stick to what i say when it comes to improving myself. I Drink excessively, i smoke, i take drugs and i don't exercise, not exactly a success story in the making. When i mentioned on my facebook that i was determined to learn to ride a bike a friend said 'i'll believe it when i see it' which only really confirms my concerns of my lack of commitment, knowing that other people think the same is not a nice feeling, especially those closest to you. However, it's not surprising when you do put effort into something and it backfires in your face. For example, with my university, i tried very hard all year, maybe not as hard as i could of, but i stayed on top of work, nothing was ever late, and 70% of the time did very well. However i got ill at the end of the year and had to miss an exam as a result. Later, when i received my results it appeared that i had failed due to a coursework grade missing from the results. It felt like everything i had built up for myself over the past year had shattered around me. University was a massive risk for me, and for it to blow up in my face like that was a terrible feeling. Lucky for me, i was very persistent and had the mistake altered and thus (rightly so) passed.
I have no decided to clean up my life, bit by bit. I am going to get fit, i want to cut back on smoking and drinking and i want to be able to create some real aspirations that i can work towards. I want to look back at my second year of university with pride and be able to see my accomplishments in front of me. It's going to take some hard work and i know that, but i am sick and tired of being average, i can be so much more, i just need to believe it. There are so many people in this world who have built something from nothing (richard branson, jorge lorenzo etc) household names. I don't want to be known like these men, but i would love to look back at my own life and think 'wow, look what i achieved'. i am the first (and the last) in my family to go university, and i want to make it worth while.
PMA- Positive Mental Attitude
I read back my first blog, and was surprised to find that, although circumstances have changed, i generally and quite frequently get the same feelings of loneliness. Recently i have found that i do not want to be around my friends. I find their company tedious and become annoyed very easily with them for no reason. In defense i have not had the best time this summer, with the guy i was seeing cutting me off, my university almost failing me due to false information and lack of information, and my bag being stolen in Barcelona, resulting in nearly all important things to me being stolen. as a result of the constant knock downs, my self confidence has been shattered. This irritates me because i am usually so optimistic about life, rolling with the punches and fighting back. But right now i cannot find the strength to do so anymore.
I want to get my life on track and actually find an aspiration and try and achieve it. My problem is commitment. I cannot seem to stick to what i say when it comes to improving myself. I Drink excessively, i smoke, i take drugs and i don't exercise, not exactly a success story in the making. When i mentioned on my facebook that i was determined to learn to ride a bike a friend said 'i'll believe it when i see it' which only really confirms my concerns of my lack of commitment, knowing that other people think the same is not a nice feeling, especially those closest to you. However, it's not surprising when you do put effort into something and it backfires in your face. For example, with my university, i tried very hard all year, maybe not as hard as i could of, but i stayed on top of work, nothing was ever late, and 70% of the time did very well. However i got ill at the end of the year and had to miss an exam as a result. Later, when i received my results it appeared that i had failed due to a coursework grade missing from the results. It felt like everything i had built up for myself over the past year had shattered around me. University was a massive risk for me, and for it to blow up in my face like that was a terrible feeling. Lucky for me, i was very persistent and had the mistake altered and thus (rightly so) passed.
I have no decided to clean up my life, bit by bit. I am going to get fit, i want to cut back on smoking and drinking and i want to be able to create some real aspirations that i can work towards. I want to look back at my second year of university with pride and be able to see my accomplishments in front of me. It's going to take some hard work and i know that, but i am sick and tired of being average, i can be so much more, i just need to believe it. There are so many people in this world who have built something from nothing (richard branson, jorge lorenzo etc) household names. I don't want to be known like these men, but i would love to look back at my own life and think 'wow, look what i achieved'. i am the first (and the last) in my family to go university, and i want to make it worth while.
PMA- Positive Mental Attitude
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
